For so long I've been in the "business" of protecting and fighting.
Protecting what I cherish.
Fighting for what I want.
Let me tell ya'....it's taxing. That is for darn sure.
Ever since I started this little "business"...I've heard it all. Why this and why that. What it is or isn't. When I'm wrong or I don't know. I get to the point where I stop verbalizing anything. I just watch. 95% of the time, I was right. I knew why. I knew what.
The result was always painful.
The hard thing for me, as the protector, was that no one wanted to help me protect what I cherished. Everyone attacked, attacked, attacked. Some, without evening knowing it. But for most, it was known.
Countless times, I defended. I fought back. They "surrendered"...and came back harder than before. Just in different forms of attack.
(Sounds like a good book or a movie, right? ha....no.)
I've put up with it all for so long. And to no prevail.
So I've decided to put it all aside. It sucks fighting and defending and protecting what I cherish and want, when it's all being ripped away in little pieces anyway.
From now on, I keep these things to myself. Tucked away safe inside where no one can reach them. Where no one even knows they exist. That way, I won't have to fight and protect.
I can just be.
Feels better this way. Kinda. The good outweighs the bad. That's what matters.
Maybe...maybe I can be given help one day. To take back the things that I've given up on defending. It's tiresome giving all the help, and only getting a handful of help back.
I cherish the handful I'm given...don't get me wrong. At least there's an elite few that genuinely care. =) That's a wonderful feeling.
Despite what I feel about it all...I'll be better like this. No more worrying about things I thought were valuable. Maybe they never were...we'll see.
I'm keeping my head held high. And I'm putting one foot in front of the other. This is good.